Big Irish Head

Last year before I went to Uganda, I needed to get a number of shots and vaccinations. It never entered my head that Ireland would have the capacity to fulfill this requirement for me and that I return to Ireland often enough that this course of action might even make sense.

In order to get the required doses administered in America, I needed my medical records which my doctor in Ireland graciously sent me. This was no small task as I had to send my sister in to ask for them for me – terrified of making phone calls, I am. 

Not one to frequent the doctor’s office or the hospital – tough cunt, never sick – I expected my medical record to be quite thin and that did prove to be the case. Working backwards, I was going to have some documents on my knee operation when I was 19. This was by far my biggest medical issue as far as I was concerned. During a gaelic football match, my kneecap was dislocated for an instant, and while attempting to immediately relocate itself, a small chunk got snapped off and swam around in my knee for a few days until we did something about it. This caused me to miss RAG week during my first year in college which was probably a saving grace in some ways.

Aside from that, I got two stitches in my middle finger when I was 14 or 15. Trying to shake the level of anger I often had while working down the yard was always going to lead to me hurting myself and so I tore open some pretty good gashes on my fingers on the shear-grab while forking in silage. 

I went to the hospital to get my blood tested for coeliac disease. My blood was promptly misplaced and lost forever and I never got it redrawn for that particular test. 

A bout of tonsillitis when I was maybe 11 was really the only illness I remember visiting the doctor for and, when I was 5 or 6, I did spend a couple of days in hospital with an unexplained abscess on my arse that just went away on its own the night before a scheduled operation to remove it. 

Going over that felt more eventful than it actually was but my point is that most doctor’s visits were irregular reasons and are pretty big memories in my life and I knew to expect them to be in my medical records.

Going through the records, I did stumble across one that came as a total surprise to me and had never been talked about or mentioned during my whole life to this point. 

It would appear my mother brought me to the doctor when I was younger with quite a big problem. In order to keep people out of trouble and whatnot, I have blacked out any personal information except for my own. I have transcribed the letters for ease of reading.

Dear Dr. _______
Thank you for referring this chap with a large head. He is now 2 years old and has an uneventful perinatal history.
On examination, his head was certainly above the 97th Centile. His weight is also on the 97th Centile and his height on the 90th Centile. He was a pleasant, cooperative lad and his systemic examination revealed nothing abnormal. His development examination was also normal.
The mother was not sure about a history of large heads in the family. She herself is a small lady. I have reassured her and discharged Joseph. We will review him in 3 months time.
Yours Sincerely,
__________

And the second letter:

Dear _______,
Joseph was back for a review, he is a little fellow you sent along for assessment of a large head.
Joseph is in proportion i.e. his height, weight and head size are above the 95th Centile. I am happy with him generally and have discharged him from my care.
Yours sincerely,
___________

It is delightful to hear that, even at 2 years old I was pleasant and cooperative. It was a touch worrying that I needed to be medically cleared for the size of my head in a country famous for ‘the big Irish head on that lad.’